Acoustic Lel

Random Thoughts

2010-06-18T16:06:00.002-05:00

I think periodically I'll start just posting my random thoughts.

Yesterday on the way home from a meeting at another location, I was faced with rush hour traffic. In the exit ramp I wondered if now that I'm pregnant I qualify to use the carpool lane.

According to the law: At least two riders are required for the carpool lane.

I'm guessing I probably don't qualify as it's likely the rider must be in their own seat, but it was an amusing thought.

Hold On I Have to Flush

2010-06-18T15:59:00.003-05:00

As of late, my second office seems to be in the bathroom. People know that if I'm not at my desk, I'm likely in the loo and will be back momentarily. The best news about the pregnancy from a convenience standpoint so far has been that my cubicle is the closest one to the bathroom.

I've made it known before that I'm not a huge fan of cell phones in general. I definitely dislike them when people are chatting in places that I find highly inappropriate (such as while driving and not using turn signals or bothering to look to see if there's a car there before merging). I have had run ins with texters at the movie theatre--nothing more distracting than the little blue phone light flashing on and off two rows in front of you while you're trying to watch the movie. I also love (dripping sarcasm) the headsets where you can't tell if someone is on the phone and they're having a conversation that starts with "Hi" which compells me to think I have to answer then feel like a dork when I realize they're on the phone.

There is one thing that now I think trumps all of my cell phone dislikes though. I have a coworker who thinks it's appropriate to bring her cell phone in mid conversation into the bathroom. REALLY!!?? When did sitting on the toilet become an appropriate place to have a conversation with someone? Not only do I find it disgusting that the poor person on the other end of the phone has to listen to her do her business, flush and wash her hands, but now that person is subjected to me doing my business in the stall next door, flushing, and washing my hands! AND I'm made uncomfortable because there's some stranger listening to me tinkle and flush.

I just can't imagine being on the other end of that conversation either. "Yes, the most amazing thing happened today...I'm sorry is that you peeing in the background?"

Anyway, EWWW.

Rejects

2010-06-16T15:56:00.002-05:00

I've had to begin the unpleasant task of maternity clothes shopping. I'm not a fan of clothes shopping in the first place and buying even bigger clothes is definitely not appealing.

I had some cute things the first time around, but they've long since been given away so I'm back to square one.

I went online (because I far prefer shopping online than in a store) and found a couple lots from different ebay sellers that seemed reasonably priced and had some possibilities in them.

The lots turned out to be ok and I found several decent items that turned out to cost me under $5 an item total. I was left with a box though of those items that didn't fit right, I just didn't like, or made me look like I was wearing a tent.

In my wisdom, I folded everything neatly and took the box to a second hand clothing store (albeit a little upper scale, but several of the items were name brand). They didn't buy a thing. Nada, nothing. I was told that the items were out of style. OUCH.

Now granted, I shouldn't have felt rejected, but oddly I did. How dare they dismiss my castoffs as out of style??!! Note the irony. I had also dismissed the items, yet I had bought them originally so I felt let down and rejected by someone else questioning my taste.

The box is now sitting in the living room until the church rummage sale next month. Someone there will want them I'm sure and if not, I'll never find out!

The Lima Bean

2010-06-01T10:47:00.003-05:00

The largest (and physically smallest) thing on my mind the last few months has been whether or not to expand our family.

In late January, I had some ovarian cyst issues that necessitated a temporary change in birth control. J and I discussed throughout February whether or not we thought we were really done having children. I think since Alanna was about 5 we had decided we were done with one. We even got rid of almost all of our baby stuff from the shed that summer; we have one bin left of the cutest of the baby things that we thought she may want someday when she's an adult.

We never really landed on Wanting to have another child, but we landed on not wanting to regret not trying for another. So by March we were visiting the dr to discuss my medications and see what we should do if we wanted to try to have another baby. Basically, the answer was get off of the Trazodone and the Ambien. I'd already given up caffeine and started eating breakfast (yay, those two habits actually stuck!), so the rest of it seemed pretty straight forward.

We determined that we didn't really want our children much more than 8 years apart, so we gave ourselves a super small window to work with and declared it up to fate and the powers that be to determine if we ended up getting pregnant.

I'm 7.5 weeks pregnant--apparently we're fertile, and the powers that be have one hell of a sense of humor. The lima bean appears to be doing well so far, but is literally sucking all of the energy out of me. It's all I can do to make it through the day and not just collapse when I get home. So much for any to do list. Oh and that voice in my head that's constantly chattering about things that I need to get done has been suspiciously quiet. Too quiet even (never thought I'd say that!); it's almost like my brain has gone blank.

It's been a hard few weeks. I know everything will be fine and that this is a blessing and that Alanna will be a fantastic big sister. But I can't help wondering "What the hell was I thinking??!!!" I found out I was pregnant literally about the same week I had decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea for us to be trying. After all, I have an unemployed husband half-way through going back to school, I have no baby stuff, I have a small house where I will need to redo the downstairs bedroom for when Alanna wants her own room, I have our bedroom to rethink so the baby can be in there for the first year or so, I have a little girl who is such a good girl that I'm scared that this will upset the apple cart (someone told me that her brother is 7 years older than she is and that he declared she was the worst thing to ever happen to him), etc. etc. Basically, it comes down to being far more scared than excited. It doesn't help that I see babies EVERYWHERE now as well---it's some mass conspiracy from the universe.

I'm not sure how much of it is real either, which doesn't help matters. Without the medication, I've not been sleeping well. I finally did have to acquiesce to 1/2 an ambien nightly with the dr's blessing, but it still doesn't give me much in the sleep department. I had my last "official" appointment with C a couple weeks ago, which should have been a major milestone, yet all I can think of is maybe I wasn't ready, maybe I can't do this on my own, maybe I'm not sane enough.

J has been wonderful and supportive, but I know my fear wears on him. After all this baby stuff was my biological clock moreso than his. He is fully behind it, but he asked me the other night if I was sure I wanted to go through with this, which means apparently I'm not hiding my fears very well. I said that I do; we're commited and barring major complications, there will be a new person in our household in January.

I hope it will be easier by the next ultrasound at the end of June. The Lima Bean will look more like a baby rather than a speck with a flashing heartbeat. And maybe after testing that day rules out any major issues, I can feel comfortable buying a thing or two.

I feel like such a bad mother for even thinking these thoughts, and now for writing them down. But they are what they are. I'm sure once Lima Bean gets here, all of these hesitations will drift away and it will be like with Alanna where she was such a miracle that there's not even a moment's thought to missing life before she was around. For now though they dance around in my head and I feel horridly guilty--well and exhausted.

Overrun with Dust bunnies

2010-06-01T10:43:00.004-05:00

Yep, the blog looks positively overrun with dust bunnies. Seems very similar to my life as of late. Things have just been moving on one day at a time, somewhat in a daze and then I look up and a month (or six) has passed. After all, the dust bunnies are pretty cute to watch bounding here and there.

It's not that I haven't had things I wanted to talk about, but more things I'm scared to actually see myself write down and then have to look at. It's a lot like my to do list around the house, the house is ok the way it is, if I start working on the list then I'll realize how much left there is to tackle.

It's Enough

2010-01-22T21:09:00.003-06:00

Often I need to step back and remind myself to give myself a break once in a while. I've spoken before about how the standards I hold myself to are often impossible to meet and when I don't, the voice in my head is more than happy to tell me all the ways I've fallen short.

--Minor digression-- When I first started seeing C for therapy, he asked me who the voice in my head was. At that time and even now, I'm not comfortable saying out loud that the voice is very reminiscent of a certain petite female with whom I shared a home with for 18 years of my life. So at the time we named the voice "He who shall not be named" as I found it highly amusing. I just call the voice "Mort" now for short.

Mort is pretty hard on me and also pushes me to make crazy goals with the hopes and knowledge that I will fail.

Last weekend, I looked in a mirror and was disgusted with myself...again. I vowed to make dramatic changes this week and going forward. I would no longer eat out at lunch with my coworkers, I would eat breakfast every day consisting of yogurt smoothies so I'd get my calcium and a little protein first thing, I would no longer drink caffeine, I would no longer eat out with my family other than maybe one time a month, I would exercise more. I think there may have been another goal or two, but at this point I'm not sure.

I went out to eat with my coworkers 4 days this week. I brought home Little Caesar's Pizza for dinner last night. I didn't turn on the Wii exercise game once. I overate at home. I bought Everlasting Gobstoppers at Target in the Valentine candy aisle.

Mort is having a field day.

The logical, realistic, rational me though says that I need to give myself a break. I did give up caffeine this week. Even though at one point I drove through the Caribou Coffee parking lot so very close to giving in, I continued driving and didn't stop. Even though I had a horrible week at work, I didn't drink a drop of coffee or buy a soda from the vending machine. I tolerated the caffeine withdrawl headaches and made it. I drank disgusting Yoplait Light Smoothies every morning this week. (I've never been a fan of breakfast, so eating anything in the morning is going to turn my stomach. At least I can just gulp these down and be done with it.) I took a 10 minute break 3 times this week and did two brisk laps around the warehouse which is about the equivalent of 2 square blocks in total. I did at least try to make smarter choices when we went out to lunch.

In my mind it's not much and I failed horribly, but I need to allow myself to accept that at least for this week, it's enough.

Over the Top

2010-01-21T07:53:00.009-06:00

My friend, Zazzy, has gifted me with the Over the Top award and the accompanying survey to fill out. I was swishing around thoughts this morning for what I was going to blog on today, so this is a nice surprise and will help to get the writing juices flowing. (Eww....writing juices...that sounds sooo nasty!)

1. Where is your cell phone? I only have a pay as you go phone that's in my purse, but is hardly ever even charged--a lot of good that does me!!

2. Your hair? Chestnut brown with a little auburn/blonde thanks to my friend color #63 L'Oreal Feria.

3. Your mother? Well intentioned. Also the voice in my head when I don't quite live up to the lofty expectation of the moment.

4. Your father? Have grown into a comfortable but very distant relationship.

5. Your favorite food? Just one?? Medium Rare Prime Rib

6. Your dream last night? Something to do with cardboard boxes...

7. Your favorite drink? Was Cherry Coke Zero until very recently. Now it's water.

8. Your dream/goal? To be content. To stop always asking "What if?" and instead be happy with and take time to enjoy "What is."

9. What room are you in? My cubicle at work

10. Your hobby? Making photo books. I just wish I had more time to spend with it. It always feels rushed when I work with photos now.

11. Your fear? Losing my daughter, Alanna.

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Skinny and content. Strange how I always associate part of my happiness with my weight and physical appearance.

13. Where were you last night? At parent/teacher conferences

14. Something you aren't? Impulsive -- Foot Loose and Fancy Free

15. Muffins? Cranberry and Orange

16. Wish list item? A vacation with my daughter where we could visit an archaeological site.

17. Where did you grow up? Small town in the Black Hills of SD

18. Last thing you did? Made a cup of tea

19. What are you wearing? Khakis and a green long-sleeved shirt

20. Your tv? Just one, upstairs

21. Your pets? My 15 year old cat and two geckos

22. Your friends? Few and far between

23. Your life? Blessed

24. Your mood? Stressed

25. Missing someone? My younger self

26. Vehicle? Mazda 626 with the engine light constantly on

27. Something you're not wearing? Nailpolish

28. Your favorite store? Target

29. Your favorite color? Midnight Blue

30. When was the last time you laughed? Last night

31. Cried? Yesterday morning

32. Your best friend? my husband, J

33. One place that I go over and over? Work, even if I'm not physically there I'm often "going over" things from work in my mind or in my conversations with J at home.

34. One person who emails me regularly? Scott

35. Favorite place to eat? Anywhere with a really good soup and salad bar

Ok, here's the hard part for me. I don't really have many blogs I read in order to pass this on (and Zazzy and Minnesota Nice already have one), so I think I'll hold off on passing this on for the moment and try to expand my reading list.

Back to Basics

2010-01-20T08:56:00.003-06:00

Goodness, it's been a long time since I posted here. I admit, I've thought about posting off and on but I always either get distracted or decide that frankly it's a little painful to post and decide "not today".

Today a good friend reminded me through her blog that I've been remiss in posting and when I thought about why I hadn't been posting the reasons all pointed to one thing, "it's easier not to."

It's easier not to not due to the time it takes or the discipline to remind myself to post, but because when I think about this semi-anonymous outlet I think about it in terms of divulging things I wouldn't normally talk about with the general populous. I created this blog as a hiding place for me to talk freely. Somewhere to expose a bit more of my soul from time to time or just post about the little things that happen that frankly most people couldn't care less about, but that for whatever reason I find amusing.

I've had a pretty crappy past few months from an emotional standpoint. Externally, I've been putting on a damn decent front and if I look through the window from outside my life it looks pretty nice. Nice home, good job, husband who's thoughtful and a good dad, beautiful daughter, supportive family, etc. So it feels selfish to post anything negative. How dare I want to run away from home or work when I'm fortunate enough to have a home and job at all!

Anyway, so now it's back to basics. Let's try this blogging thing again. I can't guarantee the content will be entertaining, but I'll try to at least commit to content and see where we go this time.

Who Matters

2009-02-13T21:09:00.002-06:00

I'm normally not a fan of forwarded emails, but once in a while I get a good one. Tonight I got an email with this sentiment that I really liked (unfortunately I don't know who the original author is):

"There comes a point in your life when you realize:

Who matters,

Who never did,

Who won't anymore,

And who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past; there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future."

I sometimes (more than I'd like to admit) let my thoughts drift to people in my past and mistakes I feel like I've made. I get caught up in worrying about how people labeled me in my youth and what they would think of me now. This sentiment is a good reminder to myself that it really shouldn't matter what happened in the past and I definitely have nothing to prove to those I look back at who said hurtful things in my younger days.

Happiness and Regrets

2009-02-07T19:45:00.003-06:00

One of the tv shows I enjoy watching is "House". I was catching up on this week's episode tonight and had to write down this line as it seemed rather poignant. The plot focuses on a woman who was a top cancer researcher and left her career to do something that would make her happy over something that she felt she "should" be doing. Towards the end of the episode she's talking to one of the dr.'s treating her and he remarks that he often thinks about what he will regret when he's lying on his deathbed reflecting on his life. She answers him, "You're going to spend one day of your life on your deathbed. It's the other 25,000 we should worry about. Go to bed happy tonight."

I often have to remind myself that no one will look back on my life after I die and say, "Gosh, she was a great Business Analyst." or "She really had a knack for redoing templates at work and project management." At least I really hope that's not what I'm remembered for. I'd hope that people look back on my life as being a good mother, wife, and kind person. I'd like to believe that those things I do outside of my 40 hours a week at work make an impact on others and at the same time make me happy.

I would love to find a job that I could also count in the makes me happy column, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that leap yet. For now I content myself with enjoying the people I work with (well most of them anyway).

I do think I'll have regrets in the end; I'm guessing most people do. I hope though that if I can confine them to the part of my life that falls lowest on the totem pole of overall importance that it won't be so bad.

Granola Contraband

2009-02-04T22:14:00.003-06:00

Yesterday in true Mommy fashion after work I picked up Alanna, went to Costco to pick up a multitude of items on the grocery list, then took her to Target to get new tennis shoes and the remaining household list items.

In a likely vain attempt to try to take small steps towards losing weight and save money at the same time, the items on my list included diet soda (so I wouldn't be tempted to spend an insane amount at the overpriced soda machine at work) and healthy snacks. One of my coworkers has been raving about Kashi granola bars so I thought I'd pick some up while at Target.

In the granola bar section of the store, it was obvious all of the Peanut Butter flavors had been pulled from the shelves due to the recall. So I picked out Chocolate Raspberry, Trail Mix, and Dark Chocolate Cherry.

At the checkout, the guy began ringing up my items and got to one of the boxes of granola bars. He scanned it, stopped, looked at the screen and got this deathly serious look on his face. I honestly thought from the look that perhaps the computer had frozen and he was going to have to rering the items that were already bagged and in my cart. He looked me square in the eye and in this secret service tone uttered, "Ma'am, I can't sell you these granola bars."

I quizzically raised a brow and said, "Why? They're not peanut butter ones. Those were all gone from the shelves."

He replied again in this OMG serious tone that they were marked for recall. He then proceeded to wave over an Asst. Manager type young lady. As she was walking over, he continued ringing my items and came to another box and the computer must have told him it was an evil bad box and that it too could not leave the store with my person because he got "that look" again. "I can't sell you this one either", this time with almost a tone of sympathy as if my granola bar box had just passed on to the next life.

At that same moment, Asst. Mgr comes over and looks at me (I kid you not!) with this accusatory gaze and asks, "Where did you find these granola bars?"

Because obviously I had uncovered some secret contraband stash of recalled granola bars and was in league with a whole group of people conspiring to purchase them openly at the cash registers.

After I replied that I found them on the shelves in the GRANOLA BAR SECTION (don't worry, I was nice about it even though the DUH was coming through very loudly in my head), she rushed off with little red baskets one can only assume to remove the foul boxes and have them promptly destroyed by people in HazMat suits. The world can breathe easy once more.

Boom Blox

2009-01-30T21:07:00.003-06:00

I've been rather disenchanted with several of the recent Wii games we've purchased and hesitant to buy new ones without really really exploring the reviews.

We loved the Wii when we first got it and played Rayman Rabbids all the way through in a weekend as a family and had a great time. We also are huge fans of Mario Kart and Mario Party 8. Alanna likes the Pokemon Wii game and we've all had a few laughs with Wii Fit. I also have been known to jam out with Guitar Hero from time to time.

Overall though, there are few other games that we've come across that we all like. There are several others we have that we enjoy from time to time or individually, but we've also found a lot of duds over the past two years that we've promptly traded back in.

Tonight, however we found a winner. Boom Blox is just awesome. Of course, we've only had it for one evening, but so far so good. We've started playing it in single player adventure mode and just taking turns, but apparently it also has multiplayer mode. It's like a three dimensional jenga style puzzle game where you try to complete the puzzles by blowing up/toppling over blocks with baseball throws. The mini storylines are also super cute with a fairy tale fun style.

Highly recommended and it's all I can do to not sneak back downstairs and complete a few levels on my own--although I'm fairly certain that J is actually doing that right now so I'd have to battle him to steal the Wii remote away!

Quick Surgery Update

2009-01-30T20:58:00.003-06:00

First off, just a quick update on Alanna. The surgery went absolutely wonderful aside from some last minute nerves on Alanna's part (completely fine and to be expected). In this particular case, I have to admit that perhaps my therapist, C, was right--nobody tell him I said that!! :) I often find myself upset that no matter how hard I've tried to make sure that I don't "pass on" my lovely anxiety issues to my daughter, that sometimes she exhibits signs of having an anxious personality. I beat myself up for "giving" that to her. C has said time and time again and I believe Zazzy has also pounded it into my head once in awhile that I am the best mother for her because having "been there done that" I can help guide her through it when it does rear it's head.

In this case, it proved to be helpful. Alanna was terrified of the anesthesia when we got back to the OR. She had practiced in the waiting room with Surgery Bear and was all geared to go and even excited about it, but lost her nerve when the actual time came. The anesthesiologist had to hold his hand over her mouth with the tube because she wouldn't wear the mask, but he was having difficulty getting her to relax and take some breaths in. I held her and told her that in order for him to be able to take his hand away she needed to calm down and we could do it together and then we did our deep breaths as a team--like we do sometimes at home when she gets upset. It killed me to watch her stop squirming and pleading to go home as it took effect and fall asleep, but I know ultimately it helped that she and I had practiced time and time again calming down.

Dr. Wood is confidant that things look good and we're just astounded at how resilient she is. She came out of surgery and promptly ate two popsicles and requested a Happy Meal. You can not even imagine the relief we feel.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings/anxiety on the topic and for the words of encouragement.

It's so easy

2009-01-25T18:38:00.003-06:00

I often forget how easy meal planning and cooking is if I would just make the time to do it. It's so easy to fall into the rut of feeling rushed and resorting to "helper" style meals or even worse, just picking up fast food or ordering a pizza for dinner.

This weekend while I had time alone, I actually took the extra 15 minutes (and yes, it really only takes that small additional amount of time!) to think through meals for the week and plan my grocery list accordingly. All of the meals I planned take under 15 minutes to prep and under an hour to cook. They're all also far healthier options than my rushed fare.

I also find that if I make the extra time once I get home from the store, maybe an additional 30 minutes, to wash and chop veggies and/or fruit that we are more inclined to eat it.

I prepped a tator tot hotdish yesterday and just popped it in the oven today. I also had all the veggies chopped up to make a veggie pizza which was easy for Alanna to help with and she LOVED eating it.

Did I mention jello? I'd totally forgotten how easy jello is LOL. I swear we had jello nearly every night when I was growing up. Toss some fruit in and mini marshmallows and it doubles as a dessert. Alanna can only have jello and clear liquids in the morning on the day of her surgery, so I promised she could pick out three or four flavors she'd like. Tonight we did a "test jello" run and it was another of those things that smacked me in the face as being obviously easy and something she enjoys helping with and eating.

I know it's not gourmet cooking, but I do enjoy just being in the kitchen and if I do the little easy meals that are healthier than what we tend to gravitate towards in a rush, I can allow myself something I like to do and hopefully cut our budget and waistlines at the same time.

It's going to be ok

2009-01-23T20:32:00.003-06:00

I've spent a lot of time this past week convincing everyone that Alanna's surgery is going to be ok. She's confident and happy and actually looking forward to her surgery and the multiple flavors of jello that Mommy is making for her to enjoy on Thursday before we go.

I have continued to go to work and put on a brave face. I have been an expert in vascular malformations for family, coworkers, and teachers.

I got the copy of the doctor's notes on Wednesday evening in the mail after a particularly trying day at work where a difficult coworker made my afternoon pretty miserable with her drama. There's nothing quite like seeing in black and white that "Alanna's mother understands the risks of surgery include..... and has decided to proceed." Of course, none of the risks of NOT doing the surgery were listed.

It hit pretty hard, but I picked myself up and went in to work yesterday morning. The surgery preop nurse called and we discussed all of the things I need to remember next week and I answered all of her questions and held together really well. That is, until the question about if there was an emergency in the operating room, would I want them to do everything possible to save my daughter. The next hour at work, I hid at my desk and tried to see my computer monitor through tears.

But I sucked it up, made it through the rest of the day and made it through today. I told myself all of the same things I've been telling everyone else.

J and Alanna went to visit Grandma this weekend. I tormented myself about if I should go with or if I should stay home. This visit has been planned since shortly after Christmas and the intent was that I would get a Mommy alone time weekend. In my mind I leap to the worse case scenario and how awful of a mother I must be to have an upcoming surgery for my daughter and to not spend as much time as possible with her before hand. On the other hand, I know I can't live my life in fear of the worst outcome and that I'd be admitting I don't believe things will go well.

I HAVE to believe things will go well. But I've spent so much time telling everyone else that and I have no one to tell me that. I just need to know it's going to be ok.

Truly, I didn't intend for this blog to start off so needy and I apologize. I promise once things do start to be ok that I'll rant about my evil coworker or traffic or how illiterate I am with my new cell phone or other mundane things.

Surgery

2009-01-20T19:17:00.002-06:00

The surgery scheduling nurse called today and took me off guard. Apparently they could have actually scheduled Alanna in for surgery this coming Thursday. Here I was preparing myself for having to wait a month or two to get on the calendar. For better or worse though Alanna's first field trip is Thursday so we're waiting until next week for her surgery.

In true Lel fashion, I immediately took control of whatever I could get my hands on to make myself feel better. I scheduled my time off, moved meetings, called or emailed family, told the teacher, scheduled her pre-op physical, cancelled her swimming lessons for this session, and double checked my insurance out of pocket maximum.

For some reason I'm now exhausted...hmm..wonder why. But I at least feel that as much as I can take care of I have. Now comes the hard part, the waiting for that part I can't control.

Disconnected

2009-01-17T19:08:00.003-06:00

Apparently I'm the last person on the face of the earth who does not own a cell phone. Every time I say this out loud, people look at me in disbelief shortly followed by the question, "Are you serious?" As if survival without a cell phone was completely impossible and I'm apparently a throwback to ancient times...well that or an alien being who hasn't a clue.

Truth be told I am technically savvy. In fact my job is technical analysis in which write specification documents for a team of developers. I do seem to have this odd block in my brain though when it comes to cell phones. People have handed them to me to use over the years and I look at them as if the object might bite me. Even J's IPhone confuses me. I guess I just want it to be a phone and having to try to figure out how to get the dumb thing to dial irritates me.

Now that being said, I've received increased pressure from all of the two to three people I would call on a cell phone to hurry up and get one. That if I don't they'll break down and buy one they'll buy me a prepaid phone because I just simply cannot survive any longer (in their eyes) without one. Whatever will I do if my car breaks down somewhere or they need to get ahold of me in the few hours I'm either not at work or home!!?? I'd suggest a bat signal, but I suppose that would have a more expensive monthly service plan.

So today I looked again at cell phones. I researched several prepaid plans and even stopped at the little table for TMobile in WalMart (and on a side note I really hate going into WalMart). The guy there also gave me the alien look when I told him I didn't have a phone. He went the step that others often go to with "How can you not have a phone with a child?" I resisted the impulse to answer, "Oh crap!! The doctor must have forgotten to pull the phone out of my womb when she was born! No wonder I occasionally hear ringing and can't figure out where it's coming from!!"

At home on the web, I began on the AT&T site since we already have a plan with them and then also checked Verizon as that's where my sister-in-law and brother have plans. My problem is this:

1) I've lived this long without a phone so how do I justify spending a minimum of $40 a month for a plan with a phone for 2 years?

2) Once I get a phone if I go with a prepaid simple phone at closer to $12 a month just for the sake of emergencies am I going to regret it and really wish I'd gotten the phone that I'd like to use for internet, instant messaging, text messages and calling those multitudes of contacts who are going to miraculously appear the moment I declare to the world that I no longer am "disconnected".

The other trap I'm falling into is that I want a pretty and trendy phone. Ok, don't even ask me why, but I'm apparently drawn to the colored phones that will coordinate with my new purse rather than just the simple functional plain black phone. I feel in some regards like I'm back in high school trying to make sure I still fit in with the popular crowd even though I know that I can hang with them but will never really be a part of the group.

**UPDATE** Ok, I caved in and bought myself a GoPhone. I got one of the nicer ones and checked the reviews. It actually only ended up being $19.99 and will give me all of the features I could want if I really do decide to use it a bit more than an emergency only phone. I think if I do end up getting a phone more as a "toy" then I'll wait it out and get the Palm Pre. That one looks like it has the features I'd enjoy longer term and use more.

Helpless

2009-01-16T22:23:00.002-06:00

Tonight I feel helpless. There's really nothing I hate more than feeling helpless. I don't do well when things are out of my control. I've learned how to cope with things that I absolutely can't control and to reign in the pieces of my surroundings or circumstances that can to make myself feel less helpless. Often though it only serves to slightly reduce my anxiety and doesn't completely eliminate it.

For example, I know that my career path is one where things constantly are in motion and change is just a part of every day. I've had to learn to live with the fact that the rules fluctuate and what may be the end all be all in one hour can flip 180 degrees by the next which may or may not require me to completely redo what I'd spent the prior 4 hours working on. I've learned that I can control aspects of my work which makes the inner fluctuations more bearable. I like my cube stagnant. I line up my pictures in a specific place on my shelf. I keep my emails in little subfolders. I have a routine in the morning of what I work on first always.

Today, Alanna had her follow-up appointment with Dr. Wood. We've known for six and a half years (ever since we talked through my ultrasound results when I was pregnant) that there was a very good chance she'd need surgery. Today was the day Dr. Wood said it was time. I think I'd spent so long convincing myself and her that her birthmark was just a "special bump" and that it was just fine that it was hard to allow myself to believe today that indeed it's grown and changed.

I'm faced with accepting that surgery is our next step and convincing myself as I reassure Alanna that everything is going to be just fine and that this is the best course of action. I know that in the grand scheme of things that my daughter is a beautiful, smart, wonderful little girl and we are very blessed that she is healthy and happy overall. That there are children out there who are on transplant waiting lists and/or have terminal illnesses and my daughter's venous malformation is not life-threatening. I know that her MRI showed a long time ago that she was a good candidate for surgery, that the lesion is not deep and very contained.

I'm very very VERY good with facts. What I'm having trouble with is that helpless emotion I can't control. I've done all my research through the years. I know we have an excellent surgeon. I've gotten a second opinion from a highly respected panel of doctors at Boston Children's Hospital. I've combed the web and been vigilant about keeping myself informed.

Even today I tried to maintain the things I could control. I checked with insurance, I notified the grandparents of what was going on, I wrote a note to Alanna's teacher and prepared a letter to send to school to help answer questions.

It's not enough though and I'm all out of sorts. I'm only out of sorts by myself though as it's far more important to be together, reassuring, confidant and strong so that Alanna can see that. She's so mature about it all and is asking questions, but absorbing the answers very matter of factly.

I don't even know if anything I've typed has been coherent so I apologize if I'm rambling. I'm tired, moody, and trying to vomit words onto the page to help myself move forward.

More Indulgences

2009-01-15T21:06:00.003-06:00

The floral arrangement I had purchased for myself included both the roses (pictured on the blog upper left corner) and also my favorite flower, alstroemerias. The roses have since died, but the alstroemerias have started to open up and I snapped a picture last night.

In the vein of self-indulgence, I went to a purse party tonight. I normally avoid any such parties (Pampered Chef, Party Lite, Simply Tasteful, etc) like the plague. I hate feeling pressured into buying things and always will out of guilt if I attend. I also have a limited number of friends so if I do end up going I'm always surrounded by people I really don't know so it gets awkward for me pretty quickly.

On the other hand, I was actually a little excited about this party. I desperately need a new purse. I'm not one of those women who has a purse for every outfit nor do I have more than 7 pairs of shoes. I think J actually has far more clothes in his closet than I do. Now if were to get on the topic of pajamas, that is a different story. I have LOTS of those. But I digress....

My current purse is really a wallet on a string. Minimalist and I have everything I really need crammed into it. But, it's falling apart and I've been hard-pressed to find a new one that I'm happy with. Then I saw these seatbelt purses and thought they were pretty cute so I agreed to go with my sister in law to the party.

I ended up with this maroon purse and will be getting the matching billfold soon. The picture doesn't quite reflect the actual color--the flash was wreaking havoc tonight. It's a deep burgundy and when the light hits it, the shadow of the weave makes it look like it's two shades of maroon. It looks very very sharp with my black wool coat and khaki or black pants. And I've always stayed with very conservative purses, this one looks dressy but also fun.

Then because I can't just do something just for me without feeling guilty about not doing something for someone else. (Remember the ability to go into Target and buy everything other than what I went in for if that item was for me?) Well, because everyone was all chatty and I was out of the circle of conversation I kept looking at purses. This meant that my mind wandered to who I could buy a purse for. I ended up with this one for my Mom. She laments that she wants a new purse and would like something trendy but never does anything about it.

I think it's really cute and very much her style. It's a little softer looking than the picture reflects. The light bouncing off of it from the flash makes it appear a bit brighter.

Minnesota Diet

2009-01-15T13:24:00.001-06:00

I found some interesting information about how the cold can contribute to weight loss. I'm thinking of writing a book and calling it the MN diet ;)

Apprently:
"Shivering is an involuntary clenching of muscles; its purpose is to generate heat and warm you up. When your teeth are chattering and every muscle in your body is tight and tense, you burn nearly four times more calories than usual. And when it's so cold that in addition to shivering, you have to hop from foot to foot and rub your hands together to keep warm, you burn up to 400 additional calories per hour."

So with that in mind I just need to dress lighter and hop more!! HA!

Brrrrr

2009-01-15T10:37:00.002-06:00

I live in Minnesota, it's not like I don't KNOW that it's cold here, but the past few days have been especially frigid. This morning on the way to work it was -22 degrees not including the windchill.

It is strange though that even though it was about 10 degrees colder out this morning than yesterday, it didn't feel any worse. I think perhaps my body gets to a point where cold is just plain cold and there are no longer degrees of cold on the comparison bar.

Everything is relative after all which is why we Minnesotans think 30 degrees is short sleeve/no coat weather in March following the long, cold winter.

Minnesota Nice has a picture on her blog of herself all bundled up including a nifty warm looking face mask that I may have to go out in search of at the stores.

Alanna looks like a little sherpa when I send her off to school in the morning (which was not closed today although a HUGE list of schools was in the state). She goes out with her snowpants, boots, coat, mittens, hat, scarf and hood. She's so little that her backpack looks like it might tip her right over combined with the weight of her outerwear!

J says I have winter tourette's syndrome. I'll get into the freezing cold car and start swearing a blue streak (only when it's just grown-ups in the car mind you..otherwise I mutter instead). Then periodically during the 10 minutes it takes the car to warm up I'll sputter out an obscenity. Often like "Brr...F***ing Brrr...D***it!" He find is hyterical. Especially since the intermittant outbursts are often shouted really loudly.

A random occured to me today though while talking to a client in CA that was taunting me with a description of driving in to work this morning in a convertible with the top down. I was thinking that perhaps it's a good thing I haven't made much progress on my weight loss. After all now I have an extra layer or two (or three) of insulation for this super cold weather. If I was skinny then I'd be shivering like a chihuahua right now!!

Muscle Memory

2009-01-14T20:48:00.002-06:00

When I went to college, my first major was Theatre. I later changed Theatre to a minor and then eventually discarded it in favor of a double major in Law Enforcement and Anthropology.

One of my theatre courses was Movement. I remember distinctly a conversation in my Movement class about "Muscle Memory". The theory was that you could place your muscles in the same position or tension they were in during an intense emotional moment in your life and elicit that emotion. The example I remember is the instructor asking us to think of a time when we were scared and crying and to meditate on that moment. Then to take note of the tension that built in our muscles while recalling the memory. I remembered answering the door after my father had been in a car accident and had walked home. His face was bloodied (broken nose) and I was probably about Alanna's age. The exercise worked and elicited tears.

The practical application was supposed to be for use in acting. You could then replicate the appropriate muscle tension to turn on the tears when needed.

I've thought about muscle memory several times over the years. Not in order to make myself cry, but because I find that I sometimes have unexplainable emotional reactions to things that shouldn't be that big of a deal.

As part of our planning for the new year, J and I sat down and looked at our budget. We decided that although we're doing just fine that in light of the economy we should really buckle down and make some changes just in case. We figured out the numbers and a tentative three year plan of attack that would put us in very good shape to start saving more for emergency use, retirement, and Alanna's college fund.

There was a time early in our marriage when we weren't doing well financially. I worked two jobs, borrowed money from family, and we lived paycheck to paycheck. We eventually even went through credit counseling. It took us years to dig out. Now I hate paying bills because even though we have money to pay them, it elicits emotions that harken back to the time we did not.

I've been overly emotional over money the past week since our discussion. We made the changes immediately and I'm drawn back to those moments of paycheck to paycheck panic. I keep watching the checking account knowing that we don't get paid until tomorrow. I keep waiting for the phone to ring and it be a creditor. It's a complete and total muscle memory type reaction and it's unfounded. We have money if there's an emergency, the creditors are all paid in full and on time, this is not a crisis it's a case of planning and saving by choice.

I can't help but wonder if similar memory based emotions don't intrude at other points in my life when I find myself inexplicably depressed or moody.

Art Imitates Life

2009-01-13T07:14:00.005-06:00

I'm particularly fond or the comic, Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Pastis. I was catching up on the past week's comics and thought I'd share a few recent ones as well as one I've had up on my cube wall for a while.

I was pondering last week the merits of obtaining a passport. I decided that I would make part of my New Year's resolution to obtain a passport for both myself and Alanna. J already has one from a few years back. I often get emails with these "last minute" deals where you can go somewhere all inclusive for a low price if you hop a plane in the next 48 hours. I've daydreamed about those trips and the freedom to just up and go sometime. Well, I can't get anywhere near that daydream if I don't even have a passport. This comic made me laugh this morning--in this case I think Rat is my inner pessimist.

I stumbled up on this one last Fall and I HAD to have it in my cubicle. I've often said that I have this little island in my mind and when people piss me off or in general are just not someone I want to be around, in my mind they get booted off my island. *Kick* *Pow* *Sploosh* My island has a masseuse, drinks that never run dry, sunshine with no clouds but with a light breeze, crystal blue water, white sand, and in general anything else my imagination decides would be a nice amenity.

This comic was so close to my own little island theory, it made me laugh.

Work has been extremely busy since coming back after the holidays. We have major changes for a client that I've been working on non-stop, yet I need to maintain what I'm doing for my other clients as well and train in a new employee (don't get me wrong I'm thankful for that last one, just feeling the time crunch right now). There have been more days than not since New Year's that I've felt like hiding so this comic seemed appropriate.

The Uncarved Block

2009-01-11T21:31:00.002-06:00

I've begun rereading "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff. It's been probably a decade since I'd last looked at the book and it felt like the time to read it again. Over the past two years the constant worry and anxiety I used to feel including the need for my mind to constantly race has gotten better. Things are still pretty busy up there in my head, but it's a far quieter place than it used to be. As it's gotten quieter, I've felt that I am missing something spiritually, that I'm a bit off-balance and need to re-center.

So tonight I have a few thoughts on the Uncarved Block. According to the book, "The essence of the Uncarved Block is that things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed." Hoff goes on to say, "When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun."

I think that's what I've missed all along, the fun part. I look at my beautiful little girl and the absolute pure joy she experiences and am wistful. I want that. I know that there was a time in my life where I enjoyed things just for the sake of being happy in what I was doing at that particular moment in time. I want that back. I think I'm closer to finding a way to get that back now than I've been in a very long time, but I still find that it often dances just out of reach.

I'll experience a moment that borders on fun and the grown up in me will push me back from the ledge and convince me that I should be doing something more adult and practical.

Yesterday, I scared the bejeebus out of my husband and frankly, it was fun. He and Alanna were sorting miniatures in the downstairs living room when I came down to switch laundry loads. Something compelled me to duck to the floor and crawl back behind the couch. My intent honestly was to surprise Alanna as she'd been trying to be sneaky earlier in the day. I truly thought J had seen me when I came down, but apparently he hadn't. He came around the corner of the couch and screamed bloody murder. I admit, I laughed hysterically. Even writing about it now makes me giggle a little. Pure unadulterated laughter just because I was in the moment and did something *gasp* fun that was spontaneous.

I need more spontaneity in my life. I need to allow myself to follow that child-like lead from time to time and tell the adult to back off.

Flowers

2009-01-11T11:36:00.002-06:00

I've always had difficulty asking for what I want or need and even a harder time just doing things for myself that fall into my self-defined category of "frivolous". Like a lot of caregiver personality types, I can walk into Target (yay for Target--oh wait, I'm getting sidetracked) with the intent of buying myself a new pair of shoes and walk out with slacks for my husband, socks for my daughter, cat litter, toilet paper, etc., and no shoes for me. I am the queen of justifying spending money on others or doing things for someone else that could fall into that same category of "frivolous" that I would apply if the item or action was for me.

Part of what I've been working on the past couple years is allowing myself to enjoy things that are not for someone else and to not beat myself up for doing so.

Yesterday while grocery shopping, there were rose bouquets on sale for $4.98. I had to pause and think about it and even talked myself out of it twice. I did though allow myself the roses in the end simply because I wanted them. So now I have roses on my dining room table from me and to me. The picture in the upper left hand corner of the blog is one I took last night of one of the roses. I find that I like taking pictures of every day things and just looking at the details. Perhaps I'll start doing that more often as well.

Starting Fresh

2009-01-11T10:45:00.005-06:00

Well, here goes. Since early September I've been trying to decide how to start fresh with my blog. I've contemplated where to host it, what it should look like, and tormented myself over what I should write- what will my theme be, what is my intent, what is the benefit to me or anyone else of my blog. I've written posts in my head and started templates on various sites only to delete them moments later.

My blogging history:

I originally started a live journal years and years ago primarily for the purpose of just rambling and ranting, likely more ranting than rambling. I was young, blogging was pretty new, and I had all kinds of opinions on topics that I just blurted out on the journal. Then I had a beautiful little girl and journaling just didn't take priority. At least not journaling about myself.

I began a blog that still retained some rants or rambles of my own, but took on a tone of primarily about my daughter. After a while, I went back through the blog and removed any reference that wasn't about her and retitled it to chronicle her antics.

More recently I began a blog that was meant to be very private. I spoke to a friend who agreed to host it for me, I wrote everything with abbreviations for names and was extremely cautious about how I worded things so I wouldn't be discovered by anyone I knew in person or by family members. This blog existed as a therapy journal. I wrote about my struggles with finding myself, pushing back against the depression, a hospitalization, medication, anxiety, and therapy. After a while it began to feel like I was writing about the same things over and over again. I missed just writing about things that crossed my mind that were unrelated to my disorder or failures. At the same time I felt weird writing about "normal" things. Almost like by writing that things were ok that I was jinxing myself or betraying the intent of the blog.

A friend redid her blog in September and it inspired me to clean the slate. I removed all old posts from the blog with the intent of starting fresh. It's taken me this long to come to terms with what that means to me. I'd like this blog to have no real objective other than to allow me a space to write what's on my mind when I feel like it.

I like lyrics. There was a song the other day on the radio by Tim McGraw that I thought was appropriate for letting go of the past and starting fresh.

Let it Go

by Tim McGraw

I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads

Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul

It's hard when the devil won't get off your back

It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

{Chorus}

Today I'm gonna keep on walking

I'm gonna hold my head up high

I'm gonna leave it all behind

Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain

Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows

Threatening me with all the things that they know

Choices and mistakes, they all know my name

But I'm holding in and holding onto all that pain

Today I'm gonna keep on walking

I'm gonna hold my head up high

Got no more tears to cry

Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain

Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

And I know I know I know I've been forgiven

I know I know I know I'm gonna start living

{Chorus}