It's Enough

Often I need to step back and remind myself to give myself a break once in a while. I've spoken before about how the standards I hold myself to are often impossible to meet and when I don't, the voice in my head is more than happy to tell me all the ways I've fallen short.

--Minor digression-- When I first started seeing C for therapy, he asked me who the voice in my head was. So at the time we named the voice "He who shall not be named" as I found it highly amusing. I just call the voice "Mort" now for short.

Mort is pretty hard on me and also pushes me to make crazy goals with the hopes and knowledge that I will fail.

Last weekend, I looked in a mirror and was disgusted with myself...again. I vowed to make dramatic changes this week and going forward. I would no longer eat out at lunch with my coworkers, I would eat breakfast every day consisting of yogurt smoothies so I'd get my calcium and a little protein first thing, I would no longer drink caffeine, I would no longer eat out with my family other than maybe one time a month, I would exercise more. I think there may have been another goal or two, but at this point I'm not sure.

I went out to eat with my coworkers 4 days this week. I brought home Little Caesar's Pizza for dinner last night. I didn't turn on the Wii exercise game once. I overate at home. I bought Everlasting Gobstoppers at Target in the Valentine candy aisle.

Mort is having a field day.

The logical, realistic, rational me though says that I need to give myself a break. I did give up caffeine this week. Even though at one point I drove through the Caribou Coffee parking lot so very close to giving in, I continued driving and didn't stop. Even though I had a horrible week at work, I didn't drink a drop of coffee or buy a soda from the vending machine. I tolerated the caffeine withdrawl headaches and made it. I drank disgusting Yoplait Light Smoothies every morning this week. (I've never been a fan of breakfast, so eating anything in the morning is going to turn my stomach. At least I can just gulp these down and be done with it.) I took a 10 minute break 3 times this week and did two brisk laps around the warehouse which is about the equivalent of 2 square blocks in total. I did at least try to make smarter choices when we went out to lunch.

In my mind it's not much and I failed horribly, but I need to allow myself to accept that at least for this week, it's enough.

Back to Basics

Goodness, it's been a long time since I posted here. I admit, I've thought about posting off and on but I always either get distracted or decide that frankly it's a little painful to post and decide "not today".

Today a good friend reminded me through her blog that I've been remiss in posting and when I thought about why I hadn't been posting the reasons all pointed to one thing, "it's easier not to."

It's easier not to not due to the time it takes or the discipline to remind myself to post, but because when I think about this semi-anonymous outlet I think about it in terms of divulging things I wouldn't normally talk about with the general populous. I created this blog as a hiding place for me to talk freely. Somewhere to expose a bit more of my soul from time to time or just post about the little things that happen that frankly most people couldn't care less about, but that for whatever reason I find amusing.

I've had a pretty crappy past few months from an emotional standpoint. Externally, I've been putting on a damn decent front and if I look through the window from outside my life it looks pretty nice. Nice home, good job, husband who's thoughtful and a good dad, beautiful daughter, supportive family, etc. So it feels selfish to post anything negative. How dare I want to run away from home or work when I'm fortunate enough to have a home and job at all!

Anyway, so now it's back to basics. Let's try this blogging thing again. I can't guarantee the content will be entertaining, but I'll try to at least commit to content and see where we go this time.