It's Enough

Often I need to step back and remind myself to give myself a break once in a while. I've spoken before about how the standards I hold myself to are often impossible to meet and when I don't, the voice in my head is more than happy to tell me all the ways I've fallen short.

--Minor digression-- When I first started seeing C for therapy, he asked me who the voice in my head was. So at the time we named the voice "He who shall not be named" as I found it highly amusing. I just call the voice "Mort" now for short.

Mort is pretty hard on me and also pushes me to make crazy goals with the hopes and knowledge that I will fail.

Last weekend, I looked in a mirror and was disgusted with myself...again. I vowed to make dramatic changes this week and going forward. I would no longer eat out at lunch with my coworkers, I would eat breakfast every day consisting of yogurt smoothies so I'd get my calcium and a little protein first thing, I would no longer drink caffeine, I would no longer eat out with my family other than maybe one time a month, I would exercise more. I think there may have been another goal or two, but at this point I'm not sure.

I went out to eat with my coworkers 4 days this week. I brought home Little Caesar's Pizza for dinner last night. I didn't turn on the Wii exercise game once. I overate at home. I bought Everlasting Gobstoppers at Target in the Valentine candy aisle.

Mort is having a field day.

The logical, realistic, rational me though says that I need to give myself a break. I did give up caffeine this week. Even though at one point I drove through the Caribou Coffee parking lot so very close to giving in, I continued driving and didn't stop. Even though I had a horrible week at work, I didn't drink a drop of coffee or buy a soda from the vending machine. I tolerated the caffeine withdrawl headaches and made it. I drank disgusting Yoplait Light Smoothies every morning this week. (I've never been a fan of breakfast, so eating anything in the morning is going to turn my stomach. At least I can just gulp these down and be done with it.) I took a 10 minute break 3 times this week and did two brisk laps around the warehouse which is about the equivalent of 2 square blocks in total. I did at least try to make smarter choices when we went out to lunch.

In my mind it's not much and I failed horribly, but I need to allow myself to accept that at least for this week, it's enough.

Back to Basics

Goodness, it's been a long time since I posted here. I admit, I've thought about posting off and on but I always either get distracted or decide that frankly it's a little painful to post and decide "not today".

Today a good friend reminded me through her blog that I've been remiss in posting and when I thought about why I hadn't been posting the reasons all pointed to one thing, "it's easier not to."

It's easier not to not due to the time it takes or the discipline to remind myself to post, but because when I think about this semi-anonymous outlet I think about it in terms of divulging things I wouldn't normally talk about with the general populous. I created this blog as a hiding place for me to talk freely. Somewhere to expose a bit more of my soul from time to time or just post about the little things that happen that frankly most people couldn't care less about, but that for whatever reason I find amusing.

I've had a pretty crappy past few months from an emotional standpoint. Externally, I've been putting on a damn decent front and if I look through the window from outside my life it looks pretty nice. Nice home, good job, husband who's thoughtful and a good dad, beautiful daughter, supportive family, etc. So it feels selfish to post anything negative. How dare I want to run away from home or work when I'm fortunate enough to have a home and job at all!

Anyway, so now it's back to basics. Let's try this blogging thing again. I can't guarantee the content will be entertaining, but I'll try to at least commit to content and see where we go this time.

Granola Contraband

Yesterday in true Mommy fashion after work I picked up Alanna, went to Costco to pick up a multitude of items on the grocery list, then took her to Target to get new tennis shoes and the remaining household list items.  

In a likely vain attempt to try to take small steps towards losing weight and save money at the same time, the items on my list included diet soda (so I wouldn't be tempted to spend an insane amount at the overpriced soda machine at work) and healthy snacks.  One of my coworkers has been raving about Kashi granola bars so I thought I'd pick some up while at Target.

In the granola bar section of the store, it was obvious all of the Peanut Butter flavors had been pulled from the shelves due to the recall.  So I picked out Chocolate Raspberry, Trail Mix, and Dark Chocolate Cherry.

At the checkout, the guy began ringing up my items and got to one of the boxes of granola bars.  He scanned it, stopped, looked at the screen and got this deathly serious look on his face.  I honestly thought from the look that perhaps the computer had frozen and he was going to have to rering the items that were already bagged and in my cart.  He looked me square in the eye and in this secret service tone uttered, "Ma'am, I can't sell you these granola bars."

I quizzically raised a brow and said, "Why?  They're not peanut butter ones.  Those were all gone from the shelves."

He replied again in this OMG serious tone that they were marked for recall.  He then proceeded to wave over an Asst. Manager type young lady.  As she was walking over, he continued ringing my items and came to another box and the computer must have told him it was an evil bad box and that it too could not leave the store with my person because he got "that look" again.  "I can't sell you this one either", this time with almost a tone of sympathy as if my granola bar box had just passed on to the next life.

At that same moment, Asst. Mgr comes over and looks at me (I kid you not!) with this accusatory gaze and asks, "Where did you find these granola bars?"  

Because obviously I had uncovered some secret contraband stash of recalled granola bars and was in league with a whole group of people conspiring to purchase them openly at the cash registers.

After I replied that I found them on the shelves in the GRANOLA BAR SECTION (don't worry, I was nice about it even though the DUH was coming through very loudly in my head), she rushed off with little red baskets one can only assume to remove the foul boxes and have them promptly destroyed by people in HazMat suits.  The world can breathe easy once more.

Boom Blox

I've been rather disenchanted with several of the recent Wii games we've purchased and hesitant to buy new ones without really really exploring the reviews.  

We loved the Wii when we first got it and played Rayman Rabbids all the way through in a weekend as a family and had a great time.  We also are huge fans of Mario Kart and Mario Party 8.  Alanna likes the Pokemon Wii game and we've all had a few laughs with Wii Fit.  I also have been known to jam out with Guitar Hero from time to time.  

Overall though, there are few other games that we've come across that we all like.  There are several others we have that we enjoy from time to time or individually, but we've also found a lot of duds over the past two years that we've promptly traded back in.

Tonight, however we found a winner.  Boom Blox  is just awesome.  Of course, we've only had it for one evening, but so far so good.  We've started playing it in single player adventure mode and just taking turns, but apparently it also has multiplayer mode.  It's like a three dimensional jenga style puzzle game where you try to complete the puzzles by blowing up/toppling over blocks with baseball throws.  The mini storylines are also super cute with a fairy tale fun style.

Highly recommended and it's all I can do to not sneak back downstairs and complete a few levels on my own--although I'm fairly certain that J is actually doing that right now so I'd have to battle him to steal the Wii remote away!

Quick Surgery Update

First off, just a quick update on Alanna.  The surgery went absolutely wonderful aside from some last minute nerves on Alanna's part (completely fine and to be expected).  In this particular case, I have to admit that perhaps my therapist, C, was right--nobody tell him I said that!! :)  I often find myself upset that no matter how hard I've tried to make sure that I don't "pass on" my lovely anxiety issues to my daughter, that sometimes she exhibits signs of having an anxious personality.  I beat myself up for "giving" that to her.  C has said time and time again and I believe Zazzy has also pounded it into my head once in awhile that I am the best mother for her because having "been there done that" I can help guide her through it when it does rear it's head.  

In this case, it proved to be helpful.  Alanna was terrified of the anesthesia when we got back to the OR.  She had practiced in the waiting room with Surgery Bear and was all geared to go and even excited about it, but lost her nerve when the actual time came.  The anesthesiologist had to hold his hand over her mouth with the tube because she wouldn't wear the mask, but he was having difficulty getting her to relax and take some breaths in.  I held her and told her that in order for him to be able to take his hand away she needed to calm down and we could do it together and then we did our deep breaths as a team--like we do sometimes at home when she gets upset.  It killed me to watch her stop squirming and pleading to go home as it took effect and fall asleep, but I know ultimately it helped that she and I had practiced time and time again calming down.

Dr. Wood is confidant that things look good and we're just astounded at how resilient she is.  She came out of surgery and promptly ate two popsicles and requested a Happy Meal.  You can not even imagine the relief we feel.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings/anxiety on the topic and for the words of encouragement.

Surgery

The surgery scheduling nurse called today and took me off guard.  Apparently they could have actually scheduled Alanna in for surgery this coming Thursday.  Here I was preparing myself for having to wait a month or two to get on the calendar.  For better or worse though Alanna's first field trip is Thursday so we're waiting until next week for her surgery.

In true Lel fashion, I immediately took control of whatever I could get my hands on to make myself feel better.  I scheduled my time off, moved meetings, called or emailed family, told the teacher, scheduled her pre-op physical, cancelled her swimming lessons for this session, and double checked my insurance out of pocket maximum. 

For some reason I'm now exhausted...hmm..wonder why.  But I at least feel that as much as I can take care of I have.  Now comes the hard part, the waiting for that part I can't control.

Disconnected

Apparently I'm the last person on the face of the earth who does not own a cell phone.  Every time I say this out loud, people look at me in disbelief shortly followed by the question, "Are you serious?"  As if survival without a cell phone was completely impossible and I'm apparently a throwback to ancient times...well that or an alien being who hasn't a clue.

Truth be told I am technically savvy.  In fact my job is technical analysis in which write specification documents for a team of developers.  I do seem to have this odd block in my brain though when it comes to cell phones.  People have handed them to me to use over the years and I look at them as if the object might bite me.  Even J's IPhone confuses me.  I guess I just want it to be a phone and having to try to figure out how to get the dumb thing to dial irritates me.

Now that being said, I've received increased pressure from all of the two to three people I would call on a cell phone to hurry up and get one.  That if I don't they'll break down and buy one they'll buy me a prepaid phone because I just simply cannot survive any longer (in their eyes) without one. Whatever will I do if my car breaks down somewhere or they need to get ahold of me in the few hours I'm either not at work or home!!??  I'd suggest a bat signal, but I suppose that would have a more expensive monthly service plan.

So today I looked again at cell phones.  I researched several prepaid plans and even stopped at the little table for TMobile in WalMart (and on a side note I really hate going into WalMart).  The guy there also gave me the alien look when I told him I didn't have a phone.  He went the step that others often go to with "How can you not have a phone with a child?"  I resisted the impulse to answer, "Oh crap!! The doctor must have forgotten to pull the phone out of my womb when she was born!  No wonder I occasionally hear ringing and can't figure out where it's coming from!!"

At home on the web, I began on the AT&T site since we already have a plan with them and then also checked Verizon as that's where my sister-in-law and brother have plans.  My problem is this:

1) I've lived this long without a phone so how do I justify spending a minimum of $40 a month for a plan with a phone for 2 years?  

2) Once I get a phone if I go with a prepaid simple phone at closer to $12 a month just for the sake of emergencies am I going to regret it and really wish I'd gotten the phone that I'd like to use for internet, instant messaging, text messages and calling those multitudes of contacts who are going to miraculously appear the moment I declare to the world that I no longer am "disconnected".

The other trap I'm falling into is that I want a pretty and trendy phone.  Ok, don't even ask me why, but I'm apparently drawn to the colored phones that will coordinate with my new purse rather than just the simple functional plain black phone.  I feel in some regards like I'm back in high school trying to make sure I still fit in with the popular crowd even though I know that I can hang with them but will never really be a part of the group.

**UPDATE** Ok, I caved in and bought myself a GoPhone.  I got one of the nicer ones and checked the reviews.  It actually only ended up being $19.99 and will give me all of the features I could want if I really do decide to use it a bit more than an emergency only phone.  I think if I do end up getting a phone more as a "toy" then I'll wait it out and get the Palm Pre.  That one looks like it has the features I'd enjoy longer term and use more.  

Minnesota Diet

I found some interesting information about how the cold can contribute to weight loss. I'm thinking of writing a book and calling it the MN diet ;)

Apprently:
"Shivering is an involuntary clenching of muscles; its purpose is to generate heat and warm you up. When your teeth are chattering and every muscle in your body is tight and tense, you burn nearly four times more calories than usual. And when it's so cold that in addition to shivering, you have to hop from foot to foot and rub your hands together to keep warm, you burn up to 400 additional calories per hour."

So with that in mind I just need to dress lighter and hop more!! HA!

Brrrrr

I live in Minnesota, it's not like I don't KNOW that it's cold here, but the past few days have been especially frigid. This morning on the way to work it was -22 degrees not including the windchill.

It is strange though that even though it was about 10 degrees colder out this morning than yesterday, it didn't feel any worse. I think perhaps my body gets to a point where cold is just plain cold and there are no longer degrees of cold on the comparison bar.

Everything is relative after all which is why we Minnesotans think 30 degrees is short sleeve/no coat weather in March following the long, cold winter.

Minnesota Nice has a picture on her blog of herself all bundled up including a nifty warm looking face mask that I may have to go out in search of at the stores.

Alanna looks like a little sherpa when I send her off to school in the morning (which was not closed today although a HUGE list of schools was in the state). She goes out with her snowpants, boots, coat, mittens, hat, scarf and hood. She's so little that her backpack looks like it might tip her right over combined with the weight of her outerwear!

J says I have winter tourette's syndrome. I'll get into the freezing cold car and start swearing a blue streak (only when it's just grown-ups in the car mind you..otherwise I mutter instead). Then periodically during the 10 minutes it takes the car to warm up I'll sputter out an obscenity. Often like "Brr...F***ing Brrr...D***it!" He find is hyterical. Especially since the intermittant outbursts are often shouted really loudly.

A random occured to me today though while talking to a client in CA that was taunting me with a description of driving in to work this morning in a convertible with the top down. I was thinking that perhaps it's a good thing I haven't made much progress on my weight loss. After all now I have an extra layer or two (or three) of insulation for this super cold weather. If I was skinny then I'd be shivering like a chihuahua right now!!

Art Imitates Life

I'm particularly fond or the comic, Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Pastis. I was catching up on the past week's comics and thought I'd share a few recent ones as well as one I've had up on my cube wall for a while.

I was pondering last week the merits of obtaining a passport. I decided that I would make part of my New Year's resolution to obtain a passport for both myself and Alanna. J already has one from a few years back. I often get emails with these "last minute" deals where you can go somewhere all inclusive for a low price if you hop a plane in the next 48 hours. I've daydreamed about those trips and the freedom to just up and go sometime. Well, I can't get anywhere near that daydream if I don't even have a passport. This comic made me laugh this morning--in this case I think Rat is my inner pessimist.

I stumbled up on this one last Fall and I HAD to have it in my cubicle. I've often said that I have this little island in my mind and when people piss me off or in general are just not someone I want to be around, in my mind they get booted off my island. *Kick* *Pow* *Sploosh* My island has a masseuse, drinks that never run dry, sunshine with no clouds but with a light breeze, crystal blue water, white sand, and in general anything else my imagination decides would be a nice amenity.

This comic was so close to my own little island theory, it made me laugh.

Work has been extremely busy since coming back after the holidays. We have major changes for a client that I've been working on non-stop, yet I need to maintain what I'm doing for my other clients as well and train in a new employee (don't get me wrong I'm thankful for that last one, just feeling the time crunch right now). There have been more days than not since New Year's that I've felt like hiding so this comic seemed appropriate.