Two Years

Third time's a charm. I believe this is at least the third time I've sat down after a long absence (although I think two years has been my longest hiatus yet) and tried blogging.

It's not that I haven't thought about blogging again. I've even written blog entries in my head and then just haven't committed to actually putting those thoughts out into cyberspace. I've contented myself with short snippets of fluffy life updates via Facebook.

My short snippet updates are easier. When I sit down and look at them they all seem happy and for the most part "normal". It reminds me a bit of when I look back at photographs of my childhood; it all looks truly picture perfect. There's the trips to the lake, the school plays, the family photo at Christmas. My Facebook life and the photos I post for family on Shutterfly are similar. There's the trips to the Renaissance Festival, the photos with grandparents, the afternoon luncheons with my daughter. Even the analytics tool for Facebook Wolfram Connection indicates that my top posted words include my children's names as well as: "family, gratitude, thankful, fun, love".

And truly, in general, I shouldn't have many complaints. I start most days with a mantra either before I get out of bed or while I'm standing in the shower, "I have a good job, a nice home, I can pay my bills, I have a wonderful family." Then rinse and repeat. At night it's similar, "Thank you, Lord, for this day. For my job, my home, my family, friends and support systems both near and far. Thank you for my children and please help me to keep them happy, healthy, safe and smart." Close my eyes, go to sleep and do it all over again the next day.

I hope that my children will look back and not only remember the things in the photographs, but also those little moments of watching Doctor Who together or wrestling on the living room floor. I try hard to remember those things from my childhood, but they're fleeting. I hope they won't remember the days Mommy didn't want to get out of bed or that she had tears behind her eyes and seemed like she wanted to run away from home.

It's been over two years as well since I had a therapy appointment with C. It's been two years of the same medication cocktail in the evenings to manage my sleep. It's been two years of managing the depression and anxiety on my own. There are days I think that's a victory and others it feels like a defeat. If I look at it from the victory standpoint, it's progress. It means I'm coping. If I look at it from defeat, it's settling for "good enough" and giving up on it ever getting better than it is right now.

It's almost been two years since my son was born and the story of his arrival are posts that some day I'll tackle, but for now they're in a safe shoebox in the closet of my brain. Somewhere that the emotions won't come bubbling out of until I'm ready to carefully handle them and then tuck them back away.

A lot can happen in two years, a lot stays the same.

Tomorrow on FB there will be pictures from the State Fair. They'll be full of smiles. For tomorrow I'll be ok with the picture perfect presentation of my life.