Boom Blox

I've been rather disenchanted with several of the recent Wii games we've purchased and hesitant to buy new ones without really really exploring the reviews.  

We loved the Wii when we first got it and played Rayman Rabbids all the way through in a weekend as a family and had a great time.  We also are huge fans of Mario Kart and Mario Party 8.  Alanna likes the Pokemon Wii game and we've all had a few laughs with Wii Fit.  I also have been known to jam out with Guitar Hero from time to time.  

Overall though, there are few other games that we've come across that we all like.  There are several others we have that we enjoy from time to time or individually, but we've also found a lot of duds over the past two years that we've promptly traded back in.

Tonight, however we found a winner.  Boom Blox  is just awesome.  Of course, we've only had it for one evening, but so far so good.  We've started playing it in single player adventure mode and just taking turns, but apparently it also has multiplayer mode.  It's like a three dimensional jenga style puzzle game where you try to complete the puzzles by blowing up/toppling over blocks with baseball throws.  The mini storylines are also super cute with a fairy tale fun style.

Highly recommended and it's all I can do to not sneak back downstairs and complete a few levels on my own--although I'm fairly certain that J is actually doing that right now so I'd have to battle him to steal the Wii remote away!

Quick Surgery Update

First off, just a quick update on Alanna.  The surgery went absolutely wonderful aside from some last minute nerves on Alanna's part (completely fine and to be expected).  In this particular case, I have to admit that perhaps my therapist, C, was right--nobody tell him I said that!! :)  I often find myself upset that no matter how hard I've tried to make sure that I don't "pass on" my lovely anxiety issues to my daughter, that sometimes she exhibits signs of having an anxious personality.  I beat myself up for "giving" that to her.  C has said time and time again and I believe Zazzy has also pounded it into my head once in awhile that I am the best mother for her because having "been there done that" I can help guide her through it when it does rear it's head.  

In this case, it proved to be helpful.  Alanna was terrified of the anesthesia when we got back to the OR.  She had practiced in the waiting room with Surgery Bear and was all geared to go and even excited about it, but lost her nerve when the actual time came.  The anesthesiologist had to hold his hand over her mouth with the tube because she wouldn't wear the mask, but he was having difficulty getting her to relax and take some breaths in.  I held her and told her that in order for him to be able to take his hand away she needed to calm down and we could do it together and then we did our deep breaths as a team--like we do sometimes at home when she gets upset.  It killed me to watch her stop squirming and pleading to go home as it took effect and fall asleep, but I know ultimately it helped that she and I had practiced time and time again calming down.

Dr. Wood is confidant that things look good and we're just astounded at how resilient she is.  She came out of surgery and promptly ate two popsicles and requested a Happy Meal.  You can not even imagine the relief we feel.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings/anxiety on the topic and for the words of encouragement.

It's so easy

I often forget how easy meal planning and cooking is if I would just make the time to do it.   It's so easy to fall into the rut of feeling rushed and resorting to "helper" style meals or even worse, just picking up fast food or ordering a pizza for dinner.

This weekend while I had time alone, I actually took the extra 15 minutes (and yes, it really only takes that small additional amount of time!) to think through meals for the week and plan my grocery list accordingly.  All of the meals I planned take under 15 minutes to prep and under an hour to cook.  They're all also far healthier options than my rushed fare.

I also find that if I make the extra time once I get home from the store, maybe an additional 30 minutes, to wash and chop veggies and/or fruit that we are more inclined to eat it.

I prepped a tator tot hotdish yesterday and just popped it in the oven today.  I also had all the veggies chopped up to make a veggie pizza which was easy for Alanna to help with and she LOVED eating it.

Did I mention jello?  I'd totally forgotten how easy jello is LOL.  I swear we had jello nearly every night when I was growing up.  Toss some fruit in and mini marshmallows and it doubles as a dessert.  Alanna can only have jello and clear liquids in the morning on the day of her surgery, so I promised she could pick out three or four flavors she'd like.  Tonight we did a "test jello" run and it was another of those things that smacked me in the face as being obviously easy and something she enjoys helping with and eating.

I know it's not gourmet cooking, but I do enjoy just being in the kitchen and if I do the little easy meals that are healthier than what we tend to gravitate towards in a rush, I can allow myself something I like to do and hopefully cut our budget and waistlines at the same time.

It's going to be ok

I've spent a lot of time this past week convincing everyone that Alanna's surgery is going to be ok.  She's confident and happy and actually looking forward to her surgery and the multiple flavors of jello that Mommy is making for her to enjoy on Thursday before we go.

I have continued to go to work and put on a brave face.  I have been an expert in vascular malformations for family, coworkers, and teachers.  

I got the copy of the doctor's notes on Wednesday evening in the mail after a particularly trying day at work where a difficult coworker made my afternoon pretty miserable with her drama.  There's nothing quite like seeing in black and white that "Alanna's mother understands the risks of surgery include..... and has decided to proceed."  Of course, none of the risks of NOT doing the surgery were listed.

It hit pretty hard, but I picked myself up and went in to work yesterday morning.  The surgery preop nurse called and we discussed all of the things I need to remember next week and I answered all of her questions and held together really well.  That is, until the question about if there was an emergency in the operating room, would I want them to do everything possible to save my daughter.  The next hour at work, I hid at my desk and tried to see my computer monitor through tears.

But I sucked it up, made it through the rest of the day and made it through today.  I told myself all of the same things I've been telling everyone else.  

J and Alanna went to visit Grandma this weekend.  I tormented myself about if I should go with or if I should stay home.  This visit has been planned since shortly after Christmas and the intent was that I would get a Mommy alone time weekend.  In my mind I leap to the worse case scenario and how awful of a mother I must be to have an upcoming surgery for my daughter and to not spend as much time as possible with her before hand.  On the other hand, I know I can't live my life in fear of the worst outcome and that I'd be admitting I don't believe things will go well.  

I HAVE to believe things will go well.  But I've spent so much time telling everyone else that and I have no one to tell me that.  I just need to know it's going to be ok.  

Truly, I didn't intend for this blog to start off so needy and I apologize.  I promise once things do start to be ok that I'll rant about my evil coworker or traffic or how illiterate I am with my new cell phone or other mundane things.

Surgery

The surgery scheduling nurse called today and took me off guard.  Apparently they could have actually scheduled Alanna in for surgery this coming Thursday.  Here I was preparing myself for having to wait a month or two to get on the calendar.  For better or worse though Alanna's first field trip is Thursday so we're waiting until next week for her surgery.

In true Lel fashion, I immediately took control of whatever I could get my hands on to make myself feel better.  I scheduled my time off, moved meetings, called or emailed family, told the teacher, scheduled her pre-op physical, cancelled her swimming lessons for this session, and double checked my insurance out of pocket maximum. 

For some reason I'm now exhausted...hmm..wonder why.  But I at least feel that as much as I can take care of I have.  Now comes the hard part, the waiting for that part I can't control.

Disconnected

Apparently I'm the last person on the face of the earth who does not own a cell phone.  Every time I say this out loud, people look at me in disbelief shortly followed by the question, "Are you serious?"  As if survival without a cell phone was completely impossible and I'm apparently a throwback to ancient times...well that or an alien being who hasn't a clue.

Truth be told I am technically savvy.  In fact my job is technical analysis in which write specification documents for a team of developers.  I do seem to have this odd block in my brain though when it comes to cell phones.  People have handed them to me to use over the years and I look at them as if the object might bite me.  Even J's IPhone confuses me.  I guess I just want it to be a phone and having to try to figure out how to get the dumb thing to dial irritates me.

Now that being said, I've received increased pressure from all of the two to three people I would call on a cell phone to hurry up and get one.  That if I don't they'll break down and buy one they'll buy me a prepaid phone because I just simply cannot survive any longer (in their eyes) without one. Whatever will I do if my car breaks down somewhere or they need to get ahold of me in the few hours I'm either not at work or home!!??  I'd suggest a bat signal, but I suppose that would have a more expensive monthly service plan.

So today I looked again at cell phones.  I researched several prepaid plans and even stopped at the little table for TMobile in WalMart (and on a side note I really hate going into WalMart).  The guy there also gave me the alien look when I told him I didn't have a phone.  He went the step that others often go to with "How can you not have a phone with a child?"  I resisted the impulse to answer, "Oh crap!! The doctor must have forgotten to pull the phone out of my womb when she was born!  No wonder I occasionally hear ringing and can't figure out where it's coming from!!"

At home on the web, I began on the AT&T site since we already have a plan with them and then also checked Verizon as that's where my sister-in-law and brother have plans.  My problem is this:

1) I've lived this long without a phone so how do I justify spending a minimum of $40 a month for a plan with a phone for 2 years?  

2) Once I get a phone if I go with a prepaid simple phone at closer to $12 a month just for the sake of emergencies am I going to regret it and really wish I'd gotten the phone that I'd like to use for internet, instant messaging, text messages and calling those multitudes of contacts who are going to miraculously appear the moment I declare to the world that I no longer am "disconnected".

The other trap I'm falling into is that I want a pretty and trendy phone.  Ok, don't even ask me why, but I'm apparently drawn to the colored phones that will coordinate with my new purse rather than just the simple functional plain black phone.  I feel in some regards like I'm back in high school trying to make sure I still fit in with the popular crowd even though I know that I can hang with them but will never really be a part of the group.

**UPDATE** Ok, I caved in and bought myself a GoPhone.  I got one of the nicer ones and checked the reviews.  It actually only ended up being $19.99 and will give me all of the features I could want if I really do decide to use it a bit more than an emergency only phone.  I think if I do end up getting a phone more as a "toy" then I'll wait it out and get the Palm Pre.  That one looks like it has the features I'd enjoy longer term and use more.  

Helpless

Tonight I feel helpless.  There's really nothing I hate more than feeling helpless.  I don't do well when things are out of my control.  I've learned how to cope with things that I absolutely can't control and to reign in the pieces of my surroundings or circumstances that can to make myself feel less helpless.  Often though it only serves to slightly reduce my anxiety and doesn't completely eliminate it.

For example, I know that my career path is one where things constantly are in motion and change is just a part of every day.  I've had to learn to live with the fact that the rules fluctuate and what may be the end all be all in one hour can flip 180 degrees by the next which may or may not require me to completely redo what I'd spent the prior 4 hours working on.  I've learned that I can control aspects of my work which makes the inner fluctuations more bearable.  I like my cube stagnant.  I line up my pictures in a specific place on my shelf.  I keep my emails in little subfolders.  I have a routine in the morning of what I work on first always. 

Today, Alanna had her follow-up appointment with Dr. Wood.  We've known for six and a half years (ever since we talked through my ultrasound results when I was pregnant) that there was a very good chance she'd need surgery.  Today was the day Dr. Wood said it was time.  I think I'd spent so long convincing myself and her that her birthmark was just a "special bump" and that it was just fine that it was hard to allow myself to believe today that indeed it's grown and changed.  

I'm faced with accepting that surgery is our next step and convincing myself as I reassure Alanna that everything is going to be just fine and that this is the best course of action.  I know that in the grand scheme of things that my daughter is a beautiful, smart, wonderful little girl and we are very blessed that she is healthy and happy overall.  That there are children out there who are on transplant waiting lists and/or have terminal illnesses and my daughter's venous malformation is not life-threatening.  I know that her MRI showed a long time ago that she was a good candidate for surgery, that the lesion is not deep and very contained.  

I'm very very VERY good with facts.  What I'm having trouble with is that helpless emotion I can't control.  I've done all my research through the years.  I know we have an excellent surgeon.  I've gotten a second opinion from a highly respected panel of doctors at Boston Children's Hospital.  I've combed the web and been vigilant about keeping myself informed.

Even today I tried to maintain the things I could control.  I checked with insurance, I notified the grandparents of what was going on, I wrote a note to Alanna's teacher and prepared a letter to send to school to help answer questions.  

It's not enough though and I'm all out of sorts.  I'm only out of sorts by myself though as it's far more important to be together, reassuring, confidant and strong so that Alanna can see that. She's so mature about it all and is asking questions, but absorbing the answers very matter of factly.  

I don't even know if anything I've typed has been coherent so I apologize if I'm rambling.  I'm tired, moody, and trying to vomit words onto the page to help myself move forward.

More Indulgences

The floral arrangement I had purchased for myself included both the roses (pictured on the blog upper left corner) and also my favorite flower, alstroemerias.  The roses have since died, but the alstroemerias have started to open up and I snapped a picture last night.

In the vein of self-indulgence, I went to a purse party tonight.  I normally avoid any such parties (Pampered Chef, Party Lite, Simply Tasteful, etc) like the plague.  I hate feeling pressured into buying things and always will out of guilt if I attend.  I also have a limited number of friends so if I do end up going I'm always surrounded by people I really don't know so it gets awkward for me pretty quickly.

On the other hand, I was actually a little excited about this party.  I desperately need a new purse.  I'm not one of those women who has a purse for every outfit nor do I have more than 7 pairs of shoes.  I think J actually has far more clothes in his closet than I do.  Now if were to get on the topic of pajamas, that is a different story.  I have LOTS of those.  But I digress....

My current purse is really a wallet on a string.  Minimalist and I have everything I really need crammed into it.  But, it's falling apart and I've been hard-pressed to find a new one that I'm happy with.  Then I saw these seatbelt purses and thought they were pretty cute so I agreed to go with my sister in law to the party.

I ended up with this maroon purse and will be getting the matching billfold soon.  The picture doesn't quite reflect the actual color--the flash was wreaking havoc tonight.  It's a deep burgundy and when the light hits it, the shadow of the weave makes it look like it's two shades of maroon.  It looks very very sharp with my black wool coat and khaki or black pants.  And I've always stayed with very conservative purses, this one looks dressy but also fun.

Then because I can't just do something just for me without feeling guilty about not doing something for someone else.  (Remember the ability to go into Target and buy everything other than what I went in for if that item was for me?)  Well, because everyone was all chatty and I was out of the circle of conversation I kept looking at purses.  This meant that my mind wandered to who I could buy a purse for.  I ended up with this one for my Mom.  She laments that she wants a new purse and would like something trendy but never does anything about it. 

I think it's really cute and very much her style. It's a little softer looking than the picture reflects.  The light bouncing off of it from the flash makes it appear a bit brighter.

Minnesota Diet

I found some interesting information about how the cold can contribute to weight loss. I'm thinking of writing a book and calling it the MN diet ;)

Apprently:
"Shivering is an involuntary clenching of muscles; its purpose is to generate heat and warm you up. When your teeth are chattering and every muscle in your body is tight and tense, you burn nearly four times more calories than usual. And when it's so cold that in addition to shivering, you have to hop from foot to foot and rub your hands together to keep warm, you burn up to 400 additional calories per hour."

So with that in mind I just need to dress lighter and hop more!! HA!

Brrrrr

I live in Minnesota, it's not like I don't KNOW that it's cold here, but the past few days have been especially frigid. This morning on the way to work it was -22 degrees not including the windchill.

It is strange though that even though it was about 10 degrees colder out this morning than yesterday, it didn't feel any worse. I think perhaps my body gets to a point where cold is just plain cold and there are no longer degrees of cold on the comparison bar.

Everything is relative after all which is why we Minnesotans think 30 degrees is short sleeve/no coat weather in March following the long, cold winter.

Minnesota Nice has a picture on her blog of herself all bundled up including a nifty warm looking face mask that I may have to go out in search of at the stores.

Alanna looks like a little sherpa when I send her off to school in the morning (which was not closed today although a HUGE list of schools was in the state). She goes out with her snowpants, boots, coat, mittens, hat, scarf and hood. She's so little that her backpack looks like it might tip her right over combined with the weight of her outerwear!

J says I have winter tourette's syndrome. I'll get into the freezing cold car and start swearing a blue streak (only when it's just grown-ups in the car mind you..otherwise I mutter instead). Then periodically during the 10 minutes it takes the car to warm up I'll sputter out an obscenity. Often like "Brr...F***ing Brrr...D***it!" He find is hyterical. Especially since the intermittant outbursts are often shouted really loudly.

A random occured to me today though while talking to a client in CA that was taunting me with a description of driving in to work this morning in a convertible with the top down. I was thinking that perhaps it's a good thing I haven't made much progress on my weight loss. After all now I have an extra layer or two (or three) of insulation for this super cold weather. If I was skinny then I'd be shivering like a chihuahua right now!!

Muscle Memory

When I went to college, my first major was Theatre.  I later changed Theatre to a minor and then eventually discarded it in favor of a double major in Law Enforcement and Anthropology.  

One of my theatre courses was Movement.  I remember distinctly a conversation in my Movement class about "Muscle Memory".  The theory was that you could place your muscles in the same position or tension they were in during an intense emotional moment in your life and elicit that emotion.  The example I remember is the instructor asking us to think of a time when we were scared and crying and to meditate on that moment.  Then to take note of the tension that built in our muscles while recalling the memory.  I remembered answering the door after my father had been in a car accident and had walked home.  His face was bloodied (broken nose) and I was probably about Alanna's age.  The exercise worked and elicited tears.

The practical application was supposed to be for use in acting.  You could then replicate the appropriate muscle tension to turn on the tears when needed.

I've thought about muscle memory several times over the years.  Not in order to make myself cry, but because I find that I sometimes have unexplainable emotional reactions to things that shouldn't be that big of a deal.

As part of our planning for the new year, J and I sat down and looked at our budget.  We decided that although we're doing just fine that in light of the economy we should really buckle down and make some changes just in case.  We figured out the numbers and a tentative three year plan of attack that would put us in very good shape to start saving more for emergency use, retirement, and Alanna's college fund.  

There was a time early in our marriage when we weren't doing well financially.  I worked two jobs, borrowed money from family, and we lived paycheck to paycheck.  We eventually even went through credit counseling.  It took us years to dig out.  Now I hate paying bills because even though we have money to pay them, it elicits emotions that harken back to the time we did not.  

I've been overly emotional over money the past week since our discussion.  We made the changes immediately and I'm drawn back to those moments of paycheck to paycheck panic.  I keep watching the checking account knowing that we don't get paid until tomorrow.  I keep waiting for the phone to ring and it be a creditor.  It's a complete and total muscle memory type reaction and it's unfounded.  We have money if there's an emergency, the creditors are all paid in full and on time, this is not a crisis it's a case of planning and saving by choice.  

I can't help but wonder if similar memory based emotions don't intrude at other points in my life when I find myself inexplicably depressed or moody.

Art Imitates Life

I'm particularly fond or the comic, Pearls Before Swine, by Stephan Pastis. I was catching up on the past week's comics and thought I'd share a few recent ones as well as one I've had up on my cube wall for a while.

I was pondering last week the merits of obtaining a passport. I decided that I would make part of my New Year's resolution to obtain a passport for both myself and Alanna. J already has one from a few years back. I often get emails with these "last minute" deals where you can go somewhere all inclusive for a low price if you hop a plane in the next 48 hours. I've daydreamed about those trips and the freedom to just up and go sometime. Well, I can't get anywhere near that daydream if I don't even have a passport. This comic made me laugh this morning--in this case I think Rat is my inner pessimist.

I stumbled up on this one last Fall and I HAD to have it in my cubicle. I've often said that I have this little island in my mind and when people piss me off or in general are just not someone I want to be around, in my mind they get booted off my island. *Kick* *Pow* *Sploosh* My island has a masseuse, drinks that never run dry, sunshine with no clouds but with a light breeze, crystal blue water, white sand, and in general anything else my imagination decides would be a nice amenity.

This comic was so close to my own little island theory, it made me laugh.

Work has been extremely busy since coming back after the holidays. We have major changes for a client that I've been working on non-stop, yet I need to maintain what I'm doing for my other clients as well and train in a new employee (don't get me wrong I'm thankful for that last one, just feeling the time crunch right now). There have been more days than not since New Year's that I've felt like hiding so this comic seemed appropriate.

The Uncarved Block

I've begun rereading "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff.  It's been probably a decade since I'd last looked at the book and it felt like the time to read it again.  Over the past two years the constant worry and anxiety I used to feel including the need for my mind to constantly race has gotten better.  Things are still pretty busy up there in my head, but it's a far quieter place than it used to be.  As it's gotten quieter, I've felt that I am missing something spiritually, that I'm a bit off-balance and need to re-center.

So tonight I have a few thoughts on the Uncarved Block.  According to the book, "The essence of the Uncarved Block is that things in their original simplicity contain their own natural power, power that is easily spoiled and lost when that simplicity is changed."  Hoff goes on to say, "When you discard arrogance, complexity, and a few other things that get in the way, sooner or later you will discover that simple, childlike, and mysterious secret known to those of the Uncarved Block: Life is Fun."

I think that's what I've missed all along, the fun part.  I look at my beautiful little girl and the absolute pure joy she experiences and am wistful.  I want that.  I know that there was a time in my life where I enjoyed things just for the sake of being happy in what I was doing at that particular moment in time.  I want that back.  I think I'm closer to finding a way to get that back now than I've been in a very long time, but I still find that it often dances just out of reach. 

I'll experience a moment that borders on fun and the grown up in me will push me back from the ledge and convince me that I should be doing something more adult and practical.  

Yesterday, I scared the bejeebus out of my husband and frankly, it was fun.  He and Alanna were sorting miniatures in the downstairs living room when I came down to switch laundry loads.  Something compelled me to duck to the floor and crawl back behind the couch.  My intent honestly was to surprise Alanna as she'd been trying to be sneaky earlier in the day.  I truly thought J had seen me when I came down, but apparently he hadn't.  He came around the corner of the couch and screamed bloody murder.  I admit, I laughed hysterically.  Even writing about it now makes me giggle a little.  Pure unadulterated laughter just because I was in the moment and did something *gasp* fun that was spontaneous.

I need more spontaneity in my life.  I need to allow myself to follow that child-like lead from time to time and tell the adult to back off.

Flowers

I've always had difficulty asking for what I want or need and even a harder time just doing things for myself that fall into my self-defined category of "frivolous".  Like a lot of caregiver personality types, I can walk into Target (yay for Target--oh wait, I'm getting sidetracked) with the intent of buying myself a new pair of shoes and walk out with slacks for my husband, socks for my daughter, cat litter, toilet paper, etc., and no shoes for me.  I am the queen of justifying spending money on others or doing things for someone else that could fall into that same category of "frivolous" that I would apply if the item or action was for me.

Part of what I've been working on the past couple years is allowing myself to enjoy things that are not for someone else and to not beat myself up for doing so.

Yesterday while grocery shopping, there were rose bouquets on sale for $4.98.  I had to pause and think about it and even talked myself out of it twice.  I did though allow myself the roses in the end simply because I wanted them.  So now I have roses on my dining room table from me and to me.  The picture in the upper left hand corner of the blog is one I took last night of one of the roses.  I find that I like taking pictures of every day things and just looking at the details.  Perhaps I'll start doing that more often as well.

Starting Fresh

Well, here goes.  Since early September I've been trying to decide how to start fresh with my blog. I've contemplated where to host it, what it should look like, and tormented myself over what I should write- what will my theme be, what is my intent, what is the benefit to me or anyone else of my blog.  I've written posts in my head and started templates on various sites only to delete them moments later.

My blogging history:

I originally started a live journal years and years ago primarily for the purpose of just rambling and ranting, likely more ranting than rambling.  I was young, blogging was pretty new, and I had all kinds of opinions on topics that I just blurted out on the journal.  Then I had a beautiful little girl and journaling just didn't take priority.  At least not journaling about myself.  

I began a blog that still retained some rants or rambles of my own, but took on a tone of primarily about my daughter.  After a while, I went back through the blog and removed any reference that wasn't about her and retitled it to chronicle her antics.  

More recently I began a blog that was meant to be very private.  I spoke to a friend who agreed to host it for me, I wrote everything with abbreviations for names and was extremely cautious about how I worded things so I wouldn't be discovered by anyone I knew in person or by family members.  This blog existed as a therapy journal.  I wrote about my struggles with finding myself, pushing back against the depression, a hospitalization, medication, anxiety, and therapy.  After a while it began to feel like I was writing about the same things over and over again.  I missed just writing about things that crossed my mind that were unrelated to my disorder or failures.  At the same time I felt weird writing about "normal" things.  Almost like by writing that things were ok that I was jinxing myself or betraying the intent of the blog.

A friend redid her blog in September and it inspired me to clean the slate.  I removed all old posts from the blog with the intent of starting fresh.  It's taken me this long to come to terms with what that means to me.   I'd like this blog to have no real objective other than to allow me a space to write what's on my mind when I feel like it.  

I like lyrics.  There was a song the other day on the radio by Tim McGraw that I thought was appropriate for letting go of the past and starting fresh.

Let it Go

by Tim McGraw

I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads

Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul

It's hard when the devil won't get off your back

It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

{Chorus}

Today I'm gonna keep on walking

I'm gonna hold my head up high

I'm gonna leave it all behind

Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain

Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows

Threatening me with all the things that they know

Choices and mistakes, they all know my name

But I'm holding in and holding onto all that pain

Today I'm gonna keep on walking

I'm gonna hold my head up high

Got no more tears to cry

Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain

Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

And I know I know I know I've been forgiven

I know I know I know I'm gonna start living

{Chorus}