Starting Fresh

Well, here goes.  Since early September I've been trying to decide how to start fresh with my blog. I've contemplated where to host it, what it should look like, and tormented myself over what I should write- what will my theme be, what is my intent, what is the benefit to me or anyone else of my blog.  I've written posts in my head and started templates on various sites only to delete them moments later.

My blogging history:

I originally started a live journal years and years ago primarily for the purpose of just rambling and ranting, likely more ranting than rambling.  I was young, blogging was pretty new, and I had all kinds of opinions on topics that I just blurted out on the journal.  Then I had a beautiful little girl and journaling just didn't take priority.  At least not journaling about myself.  

I began a blog that still retained some rants or rambles of my own, but took on a tone of primarily about my daughter.  After a while, I went back through the blog and removed any reference that wasn't about her and retitled it to chronicle her antics.  

More recently I began a blog that was meant to be very private.  I spoke to a friend who agreed to host it for me, I wrote everything with abbreviations for names and was extremely cautious about how I worded things so I wouldn't be discovered by anyone I knew in person or by family members.  This blog existed as a therapy journal.  I wrote about my struggles with finding myself, pushing back against the depression, a hospitalization, medication, anxiety, and therapy.  After a while it began to feel like I was writing about the same things over and over again.  I missed just writing about things that crossed my mind that were unrelated to my disorder or failures.  At the same time I felt weird writing about "normal" things.  Almost like by writing that things were ok that I was jinxing myself or betraying the intent of the blog.

A friend redid her blog in September and it inspired me to clean the slate.  I removed all old posts from the blog with the intent of starting fresh.  It's taken me this long to come to terms with what that means to me.   I'd like this blog to have no real objective other than to allow me a space to write what's on my mind when I feel like it.  

I like lyrics.  There was a song the other day on the radio by Tim McGraw that I thought was appropriate for letting go of the past and starting fresh.

Let it Go

by Tim McGraw

I've been caught sideways out here on the crossroads

Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul

It's hard when the devil won't get off your back

It's like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

{Chorus}

Today I'm gonna keep on walking

I'm gonna hold my head up high

I'm gonna leave it all behind

Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain

Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows

Threatening me with all the things that they know

Choices and mistakes, they all know my name

But I'm holding in and holding onto all that pain

Today I'm gonna keep on walking

I'm gonna hold my head up high

Got no more tears to cry

Today I'm gonna stand out in the rain

Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

I'm gonna let it go Oh yeah

And I know I know I know I've been forgiven

I know I know I know I'm gonna start living

{Chorus}