Muscle Memory

When I went to college, my first major was Theatre.  I later changed Theatre to a minor and then eventually discarded it in favor of a double major in Law Enforcement and Anthropology.  

One of my theatre courses was Movement.  I remember distinctly a conversation in my Movement class about "Muscle Memory".  The theory was that you could place your muscles in the same position or tension they were in during an intense emotional moment in your life and elicit that emotion.  The example I remember is the instructor asking us to think of a time when we were scared and crying and to meditate on that moment.  Then to take note of the tension that built in our muscles while recalling the memory.  I remembered answering the door after my father had been in a car accident and had walked home.  His face was bloodied (broken nose) and I was probably about Alanna's age.  The exercise worked and elicited tears.

The practical application was supposed to be for use in acting.  You could then replicate the appropriate muscle tension to turn on the tears when needed.

I've thought about muscle memory several times over the years.  Not in order to make myself cry, but because I find that I sometimes have unexplainable emotional reactions to things that shouldn't be that big of a deal.

As part of our planning for the new year, J and I sat down and looked at our budget.  We decided that although we're doing just fine that in light of the economy we should really buckle down and make some changes just in case.  We figured out the numbers and a tentative three year plan of attack that would put us in very good shape to start saving more for emergency use, retirement, and Alanna's college fund.  

There was a time early in our marriage when we weren't doing well financially.  I worked two jobs, borrowed money from family, and we lived paycheck to paycheck.  We eventually even went through credit counseling.  It took us years to dig out.  Now I hate paying bills because even though we have money to pay them, it elicits emotions that harken back to the time we did not.  

I've been overly emotional over money the past week since our discussion.  We made the changes immediately and I'm drawn back to those moments of paycheck to paycheck panic.  I keep watching the checking account knowing that we don't get paid until tomorrow.  I keep waiting for the phone to ring and it be a creditor.  It's a complete and total muscle memory type reaction and it's unfounded.  We have money if there's an emergency, the creditors are all paid in full and on time, this is not a crisis it's a case of planning and saving by choice.  

I can't help but wonder if similar memory based emotions don't intrude at other points in my life when I find myself inexplicably depressed or moody.