I have continued to go to work and put on a brave face. I have been an expert in vascular malformations for family, coworkers, and teachers.
I got the copy of the doctor's notes on Wednesday evening in the mail after a particularly trying day at work where a difficult coworker made my afternoon pretty miserable with her drama. There's nothing quite like seeing in black and white that "Alanna's mother understands the risks of surgery include..... and has decided to proceed." Of course, none of the risks of NOT doing the surgery were listed.
It hit pretty hard, but I picked myself up and went in to work yesterday morning. The surgery preop nurse called and we discussed all of the things I need to remember next week and I answered all of her questions and held together really well. That is, until the question about if there was an emergency in the operating room, would I want them to do everything possible to save my daughter. The next hour at work, I hid at my desk and tried to see my computer monitor through tears.
But I sucked it up, made it through the rest of the day and made it through today. I told myself all of the same things I've been telling everyone else.
J and Alanna went to visit Grandma this weekend. I tormented myself about if I should go with or if I should stay home. This visit has been planned since shortly after Christmas and the intent was that I would get a Mommy alone time weekend. In my mind I leap to the worse case scenario and how awful of a mother I must be to have an upcoming surgery for my daughter and to not spend as much time as possible with her before hand. On the other hand, I know I can't live my life in fear of the worst outcome and that I'd be admitting I don't believe things will go well.
I HAVE to believe things will go well. But I've spent so much time telling everyone else that and I have no one to tell me that. I just need to know it's going to be ok.
Truly, I didn't intend for this blog to start off so needy and I apologize. I promise once things do start to be ok that I'll rant about my evil coworker or traffic or how illiterate I am with my new cell phone or other mundane things.
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I can only imagine Lel. Even though you know the chances of it not being fine are infinitesimal, still of course your mind goes to that one in a million risk of something bad happening. Try to take care of you. Remember that you have to take care of you in order to be any good for her. You're going to be okay and so will Alanna
ReplyDeleteThanks, Zaz. I've since talked myself back down into reason. I actually considered coming back in and deleting this post now that I don't feel quite so neurotic and have exhausted a small mountain's worth of kleenex heh. I forget often that it's ok to be scared and that it's ok to worry and that it's ok to let others take care of me.
ReplyDeleteJ has been trying, but I always seem to minimize my need for reassurance when there are others who rank in my mind more important than me. As a result I push him away with an "I'm fine."
Again, thank you. I appreciate hearing it's going to be ok from someone other than the voices in my head ;)